Me: Hello! How are you doing tonight?

Her: Good, you?

Me: Good. Thanks.

Her: More work tonight?

Me: Yep, I live here.

Her: Yeah, I know!

The story of my life. Posts to come, I promise!

Secondly, I apologize for any lack of clarity in the following post. It’s a little late, I’m a little sleep deprived, I’m very coffee deprived (ok, the coupons are good but still don’t supply nearly enough caffeine for my grad-student level addiction to the stuff), and I’m gleefully exhausted from a long day of talks, posters, networking, swag, and just some good ole’ fashioned (and new-fangled) astronomy.

Despite my exhaustion, I wanted to chat a bit about one of the issues near and dear to my heart.  This afternoon at AAS217, I went to the CSWA (Committee on the Status of Women in Astronomy)-sponsored town hall on “What Can Men Do to Help Women Succeed in Astronomy?”  This is one of the questions that’s been clanging around my head for awhile now.  Ever since I attended the WIA meeting in the Fall of 2009, where a few brave male souls came out to express their support in a sea of strong and assertive women, I’ve come to better recognize the importance of getting men involved in women’s issues (because in reality, most of these issues are issues that affect the community at large).

There were a variety of suggestions highlighted on how men can help the cause of women in astronomy.  I will summarize and paraphrase below.

1.  Realize there’s a problem.  Learn to be “repulsed” if you’re in a situation with >2 men to every woman.  Promoting diversity promotes excellence.  Don’t say (or let someone else say) that scientists should just “pick the best” for any situation.  Yes, of course, we want to do the best science possible.  But be cognizant that when someone is in a stressful situation (ie feeling harassed or in a hostile work environment), not all their energy can go to their science! Realize this can be a stressor and work to relieve it.

2.  Speak up.  Don’t let people tell inappropriate jokes.   Chime in to remind others of suggestions made by women in a large group.  If you’re on a hiring committee or workshop/conference committee, bring up the need for diversity on panels and in invited speakers- check the CSWA list.  Make sure your department knows about the suggestions for best practices in hiring.

3.  Work to change policies.  A family friendly workplace is just good for everyone! Again, diversity breeds excellence and creativity, and that’s good for everyone.  And family friendly policies breed collegial enviroments.  Even if you’re single and don’t have kids, encourage your university to adopt policies that include both maternal and paternal leave (and family care!).  If your university already has such policies, collect that information and share it with your colleagues and potential hires so they know their resources.  Encourage the university, funding agencies, and the govenment to allot for family leave, and expand existing policies for faculty members down to the ranks of post-docs and grad students.

So those are some of the main points made this afternoon.  Do you have other ideas?  How can men help promote the cause of women in STEM fields?

As a female in astronomy, with a history in physics, and with many years spent organizing and working for the cause at the various universities I have called home, getting men involved is definitely one of the things on my personal agenda for promoting gender equity.  Again, these issues aren’t all female-centric- they’re being-actual-people-centric.  Work-life balance is an issue for most scientists.  Dealing with family is time-consuming and learning how to prioritize various situations is tough.  Feeling supported at work is key to leading a happy and succesful family and work life.

In the graduate women in STEM organization I’m currently a part of, I have definitely tried to encourage our specific inclusion of men, and I have met some resistance from some of my fellow organizers.  They feel that women need a safe space to discuss these issues.  And while I can see their point to some extent, I feel as though having male allies in no way belittles our cause or our abilities to help each other achieve success.  Beyond figuring out how men can help and what they, personally, can do… my question to you all is–

What can women do to get men involved, so men can help?  How can we do this?  How do we, as women, provide a safe environment for women feeling the need to voice their concerns amongst other women?  How do we balance those roles of women in STEM groups with the overall goal of equality and diversity in science?  How do we make men feel welcome, and as though they too, have a stake in how all this works out?  How do we fight resistance in our groups against male involvement?

I’ve got a few ideas, but I’m looking for more.  How have you helped facilitate people-friendly policies and groups at your institutions?  How have you gotten both men and women to understand the importance of conversion instead of exclusion?  How do you balance gender-specific goals with people specific ones?

Ahhh!  There’s just so much to think about.  So let me know some of your ideas.  I’ll sleep on it and maybe we’ll chat about it tomorrow.

(Oh, and I saw some copies of the WIA2009 conference proceedings floating around- you should check them out! Or, they’re available online here.)

But I am excited about AAS!  See, this is my first, real, big conference.  Sure, I’ve gone to a few smaller local conferences, the Women in Astronomy and Space Science meeting, the awesome Citizen Sky workshop, but never yet to a big society meeting!  I’m stoked!

I had a (bad?) habit of switching research projects for awhile.  In undergrad, I worked on a project for a year, left to go to study abroad, I came back and it was done.  So I started on something else.  For a year! And then a few bad things happened (read: computer with my data and programs and EVERYTHING was completely unsalvageable after an attack, and I hadn’t backed up) and I couldn’t finish a thesis or the project.  Then, I went to grad school #1, and started working on a newer, more different project.  Which I promptly worked on for a little over a year, and then left to come here.

So, finally I have some (expected) results.  Finally I have something to say.  And I can’t wait to say it.  In putting this poster together, I’ve really come to appreciate just how much I’ve learned in the last two years.  And I realized just how much my fingerprint is on this entire project.  I’ve been here from the beginning, and will see it through to the end.  And it’s AWESOME.  Really.  I even had really weird dreams about aperture photometry last night, kids.  That’s how you know you’re in love, right? :)  And the ray tracing dreams? Those are even odder…

I leave Sunday for the 217th American Astronomical Society Meeting in Seattle.  I’ve got my poster, my business cards, my contacts in my phone.  I can’t wait to see friends from undergrad, friends from grad school #1, friends I see often from grad school #2,  hang out with my EPO peeps, and even better- hang out with all the awesome astronomers I’ve met online! Sure, I’ve got a little bit of work to do (it’s way easier to corner a co-I at a conference than via unanswered email), and I need to do some serious project representin’, (forgive my ridiculousness- after weeks of work, the exhaustion and excitement have caused me to go a bit batshit….) , but I get to have some fun, too!

Before I go– any advice from the seasoned conference professionals?  Anything you wish you knew going into your first big conference?  I’ll hopefully manage a post (or maybe two?) while I’m there, and I’ll definitely jump in with the occasional tweet.  And when I get back, I’ll make sure to share my n00b stories with you all (as I’m sure there will be many).  So, AAS217, watch out, here I come!

I’m so honored that this week, she interviewed *me* for her High5.  Go check out the interview, and the rest of her blog!

AWESOME!

Mad Man is working, and I’ve got a stack of work bigger than my head, so we’re staying in town over the holidays this year.  It amazed me to see just how quickly the department emptied out after exams.  It’s ok though, there’s tons of research to be done, and I’ll be heading to AAS in January, so I need to get my poster done ASAP.  And it’s kinda nice to get some work done when no one’s around.  I don’t feel bad about putting on my headphones and actually singing along.  I’ve been cleaning, too.  Ssshhhh, don’t tell the other grad students, but it feels REALLY nice to not be buried under papers and walk on a floor covered in nerf darts.

I’ll be back next week to share a 2010 wrap up, and look forward to the awesomeness of 2011.  In the meantime, happy holidays!

But then I realized this isn’t the first time I’d felt like this.

 

My junior year of undergrad, I studied abroad. I had taken the language in high school, and for a few years in college. I loved the language and I loved the culture, so I decided to tack on a third major and use it as an excuse to study abroad for a year. I was excited. I did my homework about the university I was going to– I took courses in “scientific and engineering [language]“. I planned to take my physics courses there, in German, and have a lovely time.

 

And it was great. One of the best experiences I have ever had, and I wholeheartedly recommend studying abroad, ESPECIALLY to scientists. I saw different ways of pursuing research, coursework, and a completely different department lifestyle. It took some work and lots of pre- and post- approvals to make sure I stayed on track to graduate with my three majors in a reasonable amount of time.

And while it was worth it in the end, let’s just say that I had a rocky start.

I got on the plane, my belongings packed in a suitcase, thought I was headed for adventure. Oh, it was an adventure, alright. I thought because of my training, because of my knowledge, it would be a piece of cake. I figured it’d take a few weeks, or maybe a month, for me to get used to the dialect, and then I would be fluent and having lofty conversations about art, literature, and science. I would be brilliantly bilingual and my professors would be impressed by my abilities and inquisitiveness.

 
Boy was I wrong. No amount of language coursework can prepare you to be immersed in a foreign language 24/7. It’s difficult and EXTREMELY demanding. My brain was on constant overload. Nothing was easy. Adding to the demands of constant, brain-boiling translation was the insane culture shock. Making food for myself became difficult, shopping was stressful, and television became a chore. I became so overwhelmed so fast, that I forgot how much I knew coming in. It was like I lost all my language skills, all my ability to communicate, and I felt like an incapable two year old. It was miserable. It was just like now.

 
Eventually, after many battles, after total immersion, after stubbornly making myself communicate (no matter how dumb I sounded, I NEEDED TO PRACTICE), and after what seemed like way too long, it clicked. I started speaking confidently. I stopped translating and just spoke the language. I stopped worrying about minor trip ups, and they stopped happening. Almost magically, I suddenly became very proficient and then, near fluent. People mistook me for a native. And for the last few months of my time there, I pretty much was.

And it wasn’t until last week that I realized that science is like learning a second language. You can take all the classes you can in undergrad. You can take all the grad classes you want- but it’s nothing like being thrown into a research group, thrown into seminars, and being expected to ask intelligent questions and have extended discourse on the implications of the latest results (that you should be keeping up with, and understanding). It’s like being thrown into a foreign country, immersed in a foreign language. You go into shock.

 

And I’ve been in that state of shock for awhile. Just when I got comfortable with speaking physics, I moved to an astronomy department. DAMMIT. It’s like I forgot everything I ever learned. Sometimes, I talk about subjects like an undergrad. Sometimes, my brain is about to boil over from constantly chugging away translating. There’s just so much to think about, and so much to understand, that everything begins to lose meaning and I just want to run away crying and screaming.

 

But I haven’t. I’ve made myself ask the dumb questions, and practice. I’ve made myself to go office hours and talk like I’m two and don’t understand anything. It’s the only way I knew how to make myself get through it. And I’ve been hoping beyond all hope that soon, soon, soon, I would again be pretty proficient.

While realistically, I am not actually an idiot (I did get into grad school and have done pretty well thus far), this just feels so terrible. Again, I went abroad having studied the language for six years. I wasn’t a dummy. But when you’re put in that intense situation, you can’t help but feel like the tiniest fish in the biggest ocean.

Finally, it’s coming. I’m noticing I’m not translating as much. Sometimes the jargon floats off my tongue. Sometimes I make a really good point without realizing how good it is! And reading papers? Holy cow, it’s getting *so* much easier. Things seem to be sticking. I’m no longer feeling like I’m two. Maybe I’ll say I’m twelve? And each day, things get a bit easier.

But today, universe, you pulled through. Somehow things worked out. Somehow enough surprisingly good trickled into my day to remind me that it’s all worth it.

The long hours away from home, the fights with my husband because neither of us has time to cook or clean, the email threads, the confrontations, the awkwardness.

And let me be clear- it wasn’t one SUPREMELY awesome thing that happened today. It was mostly a lot of really small things, a lot of good conversations, a lot of connecting, a lot of learning.

It started last night when I went to a really useful and eye-opening workshop on teaching inclusive workshops to kids on the autism spectrum. It continued when I got a phone call from a vendor I’ve been tracking down, who had some useful information. I then went to a lunch event I’d been planning for well over a month and things went smoothly. I had some great conversations. I went to get coffee and had a conversation with a professor I never thought liked me, but it made me understand his motives and perspectives and also feel like I have his respect. I made some progress on my mirrors. I talked with some friends. I got some positive feedback. I talked with some more friends. I got some more positive feedback. I also got a “I don’t know how you do it all!” (And I will admit, those comments do make me happy because someone realizes I’m working my ass off and being productive on a variety of fronts!!!) I talked with a few more professors, I heard an interesting story about grants.

In the end, today was great because I feel like things finally clicked. I didn’t win a huge prize, nothing ridiculous flabbergasting happened, but the little things? They went right. And I had some really meaningful conversations with people. And I got to hear some more perspective.

So universe, thanks. I really needed that.

EcoGeoFemme has asked us all to think about the best and worst parts in our lives as scientists. And to me, it’s 100% clear, both in terms of the actual “being a scientist” and in terms of the day-to-day interactions.

I’ll start with the worst, because I like to be an optimist and end on a positive, hopeful note.

The worst part of being a scientist, for me, is the incessant banging of my head against a wall. It’s amazingly difficult to get things done, worse than anyone ever warned me about. I got an email last week from someone at a company I emailed in JUNE (for those of you counting, that’s >18 weeks later!) telling me “sorry, but no bid!”. I asked you MONTHS ago if you could manufacture this part. Why bother getting back to me now? My labmate and I have competitions with gmail email threads- counting how many times we go back and forth with a given vendor about getting a piece made to (somewhat close to) our specifications. More of my time than I’d like is spent emailing, re-emailing, calling, filling in forms, and hoping for someone to just SELL ME STUFF! I HAVE MONEY! I swear!

GAHHH!

In terms of the actual “lifestyle” part of things, the worst part is the competition/lack of feedback. I never know where I stand. Am I good at what I do? Am I really crappy and about to get kicked out of my job? Unless you’re somehow more plugged in, oftentimes bad news can come as a swift kick. Unless there’s a specific method for feedback, you can go months without having someone tell you anything good or bad about what you’re doing. Things take awhile, and it’s tough to assess yourself with respect to others, but you always want to. Everyone is fighting tooth and nail for the one spot amongst every ten of us that will exist and offer any real security 10 years down the road. it’s draining to always question yourself, your science, your peers. I miss the instant feedback of tests in elementary school. Sigh.

But now to the good stuff!! My absolute favorite part about being a scientist is LEARNING SOMETHING NEW!! I get data no one has ever seen. I get to answer questions no one has had a clue about. Sure, my world (and topic) are extremely small, so explaining my findings to my mother can be tough, but man. Seeing that first image of a galaxy, or seeing that first plot— that’s the stuff I live for. I am contributing to human knowledge. That’s my job. Every day, I (essentially) look up at the sky and do something no one’s done before, I figure out something no one has known before. It’s ridiculous hard, ridiculous time consuming, and emotionally draining, but those moments!! Those moments!! They are THE STUFF.

And in terms of ‘lifestyle’ of being a scientist, the absolute best part about my job is the people I work with. I LUCKED OUT. Man, my lab group is AWESOME. We do the most interesting science around, and we have the best people around. Really. I have not one, but TWO awesome advisors. They’re brilliant people and just great dudes all around. I’ve got awesome labmates. They’re devoted scientists, ridiculously smart, always willing to help, and also they’re great at a party. I’ve got some awesome engineers and undergrads in my group– no really, I want to invite these people over to my house. It’s pretty spectacular. I feel exceedingly lucky that I have found people that I honestly like so much, that I get to do my science with. It makes the difficulties a little bit easier. It makes the group meetings much funnier. And it makes me a very very lucky astrophysicist.

None of This Drama, Thankfully.

So, in the end, I’m lucky. I get to do what I’ve always wanted (yes, since I was five). I find out answers to questions, I do the tough stuff, and I have some awesome people to do it with. I’m a pretty lucky lady.

What’s your science best and worst??

Thanks, EcoGeoFemme for the reminder that there are two sides to every science coin!

Anyway, it’s about time for some deeply rockin’ tunes for slogging through the semester ahead. So, I bring you “Stork & Owl” from TV on the Radio’s appropriately named album Dear Science. I invite you to listen, to concentrate while reading a paper, and then to explore the rest of their amazing catalog. My god, these guys make me utterly happy. I hope you enjoy. First, a clip from the video (I couldn’t find the whole song), and then the whole song without real video. Oh man, I want to watch the rest of that vid…

I’ll be doing a more in-depth update soon, once I can climb out from under the mountain of work that’s piled up above me. I keep hoping it’ll happen soon, only to be thwarted by another stack landing upon my head. Maybe this tune will help me log the late hours that stand between me and sanity. Maybe it’ll help you finish writing up that proposal, and maybe it’ll get you to appreciate a whole new band. Enjoy.

If you can’t. See the stars.
You’ve probably gone too far…

Sky bends. The moon’s dress’s slung low,
slung low.
Dogstar taught a dance.
It goes, it goes, it goes, it goes, it goes, it goes, it goes…

So Sirius.
So it falls apart?
Just reveals the perfect nothing.
Of everything you are.
Of everything we are!

It’s that time of year again. The halls are loud with excited chatter, I hear marching bands playing in the (not-far-enough) distance, and everywhere I go, I am surrounded by college students and their not-yet-ready-to-let-go parents. Ahhhhhh. Oh how I miss summer already.

But really- one good thing all the hub-bub brings is a renewed sense of purpose, an artificial rejuvenation, and a second “new year” to start some new beginnings, to start from scratch. I am definitely one of those people that pull a lot of motivation from the start of the school year. I love using it as an excuse to get re-organized, to buy ridiculous and unnecessary supplies, to get back into seminars and homework and a frantic schedule. And Karina, the aspiring ecologist, our host for Scientiae this month, asks us all to reflect on the supplies we use in our scientific lives, the tools that are indispensable in our work.

I play a variety of scientific roles– I am a PhD student, I am a researcher, and I am an educator. Each of these roles requires a different toolbox. I could get all philosophical about needing good collaborators, or the need to try new ideas, or something else a little corny, but instead, I’m going to geek out about actual, physical supplies. Glorious supplies.

I’m a bit OCD, so when it comes to what I need as a student, I need MANY organizational supplies. I have folders for the work I do with student organizations, or for special events I organize. I have binders with separators (those big 3″ white binders, to be precise), for all my class notes, organized by semester. I take notes on college-ruled notebook paper, and those notes come in an array of colors– I need at least 3 different colors to be happy with how my notes are organized. I have stacks and stacks of pens for this (all ballpoint, clicky pens with rubber grips) , and mechanical pencils for when I do problem sets. Only mechanical pencils. I have stacks of notecards for studying, my trusty TI-89, and awesome binder clips to hold anything else I need. I LOVE the staples ads for back to school- in September, Staples is HEAVEN. There are so many novel school supplies that can brighten up an otherwise crappy day (really, I’ve got the sweetest binder clips). And no matter which courses I’m taking, I always need Big Chunky/B.O.B. (Big Orange Book), the astrophysicists’ not-so-pocket guide. I keep it close for anytime I need to remember a formula.

As a researcher, I need some “school supply” type things, too. I recently went on quest for the BEST LAB NOTEBOOK EVER. I’m super picky about notebooks- I always have been. I was even picky about what kind of journal I wrote in as an angsty pre-teen. So, not just any ole lab notebook will do. I needed hardbound, ruled, with some graph paper (though not all). I like the more divided graph-paper, I like pages that are the right thickness, I need space at the top for a title or a date, or something. I like hardcover. In the end, I found this: the best lab notebook around. Now, I don’t get paid for this, I just LOVE these. Blue ruled on the right page, green quad or plain on the left side, 200 pages of white paper, no carbon. It’s brilliant. And reasonably priced. I bought a few.

Now, I also need a pretty reasonable computer, on which to do data analysis or look for other supplies. I need lovely lab supplies. The things we go through that we need to buy more of? Cable ties, duct tape, wire spindles, clean room gear (yay gloves, masks, hoods, boots!). I need vacuum equipment and mirrors- my big huge awesome mirrors. I need things I cannot mention (yay, ITAR!). I need detectors and sources, I need electronics components and test equipment, I need liquid nitrogen. For work & play, that stuff never gets old.

And as I am no longer a TA, no longer a HS or college tutor, my only educator role left is the one I play at the museum. I get to teach kids about science!! There, my supplies are the best. I use magazines and toilet paper tubes, pop bottles and pipe cleaners. I need Popsicle sticks, balloons, string, markers, straws, and tape. Oh my do I use a lot of tape. I need construction paper and film canisters (which are harder to find!), I need aluminum foil and fossils and clay, and best of all? OWL PELLETS.

Oooh, owl pellets.

So my “back to school” shopping list includes lots of paper, tape, and writing utensils, but also Big Chunky, liquid nitrogen, and owl pellets. If anyone ever asks you what these have in common? Now you know. And armed with these things (and many many more), I’m ready to conquer a new semester in learning, researching, and teaching. What are your favorite supplies that you can’t live without?