Rocket Scientista

Dis-Continuity, or Somebody Come and Play? February 27, 2010

When I first really joined the science blogosphere, it was finding the Scientiae Carnival that helped me find a lot of really great blogs.  Later on this year, I’ll be hosting a carnival here, but in the mean time I’ll be working on trying to contribute more often.

Hosted by Amanda at A Lady Scientist, the theme for March Scientiae Carnival is continuity.  I’ve been pondering that word, continuity, for weeks.  I’ve been trying to come up with something in my life that has been continuous.  But I can’t find a thing.  See, I have this habit of not staying anywhere for long.  Because of this, everything is always changing.  The specific science I do research on has changed three or four times.  My cities have changed, my perspectives have changed.  My life, in short, is one big discontinuous mess.

It’s like my life is a ridiculous discontinuous function with that nasty cliff just waiting.

Often the discontinuity is what makes things ok.  I get bored, but things change so often, I know a swift change could knock me on my feet soon.  I can only plan so far in advance.  Often, the possibilities for what coming up?  Pretty endless.  It’s great in terms of getting exposed to lots of new science and lots of new cities and meeting lots of new people.  But today I’m going to focus on one of the issues with having such a discontinuous life- making and keeping friends.

I’ve never been super good at having, or keeping friends.  It’s not that I don’t absolutely adore people.  I just have always had some slightly different priorities than a lot of the people around me.  I had very few friends in elementary school, and a few more in high school, and even another handful in undergrad.  But it’s tough when you move every few years and when your life is so hectic, to keep up with these people from the past.  Science is very busy and often nomadic.  It’s something that can be so draining, and it’s hard for those on the outside to understand both the passions and pitfalls of what we do.  And the more specialized I become, and the older I get, and the more focused on my work and busy I am?  The worse I am at making friends.  The worse I am at keeping friends.  The more I need friends.

Thankfully, the good ones have stuck around.  I still talk to my best friends from high school, and there’s a mutual understanding of our busy lives, so when it’s been awhile, we understand.  Also, I’m lucky enough to have gained some pretty good friends in undergrad who I still talk to quite a bit.  I don’t live in the same city as any of them, but a lot of them came out to my wedding, and we’ve got another one next summer.  I don’t see them often, but we chat and it’s good to know I have some people who  understand my history that I can talk to, who are also on similar paths as I am now.  But it’s not like we get together for a night out anymore when we’ve had a rough week.

Once I hit grad school, that friend making shit got tough.  My classmates and I didn’t jive.  I was the only girl.  I was on a slightly different track, and so I had different classes.  It was hard to meet people outside of just my classmates.  Eventually, I found a few grad students in the department who shared some interests and opinions with me and we had wings and beer every week together.  I found a few friends in my lab group, too.  But then I left.

At this grad school, it’s even harder.  I’d say I generally get along with most of the students on a cursory basis pretty well.  We have social events and we hang out, and they’re funny, and they have personalities!  It seemed so promising when I came in.  However, the environment is such that there’s some artificial superficial divides that were already in place when I came in and it’s hard to do what I want without upsetting the natives.  I feel like I’m pigeonholed one way or another.  Also, there’s a pretty silently competitive environment right now, and it’s becoming stifling.

The whole oddball lifestyle aside, this making good friends in grad school thing is generally just pretty frustrating.  It’s hard to make new friends and get to the point where they understand who you are, and where you’ve come from, all before one or the other graduates.  It’s hard to keep friends when, in the end, you’re all competing against each other– to stay in the department, or for the same few faculty jobs down the road.  It’s hard to make friends when you’re  playing with small number statistics (tiny groups of grad students @ each department & school) and then adding on even more obscure interests and histories, to find someone you have a lot in common with.  Then find the time when there’s no homework due, or no research to be done, to bond.

So while I absolutely love the excitement and adventure that come with the nomadic lifestyle, moving and redefining myself and learning new things all the time don’t always balance out the unfortunate difficulties that arise, such as making good friends.  Friendship requires time and effort and loyalty and a whole bunch of other things.  And academics seem to be pretty stretched thin as it is.  So I am thankful for the friends I have, hoping to strengthen the relationships I can, and just generally wondering if anybody has good ways of making and KEEPING new friends?

Sometimes, after a long day, I can’t help but flash to Sesame Street, and I just want somebody to come and play.

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